Here is a new bluray review, this time a sequel to the awesome remake Piranha 3D from 2010. Oh right this time its definitely not spoiler free, I will be rambling on about everything. You have been warned.
- Year of release:2012
- Director: John Gulager
- Genre: Comedy/Horror
- IMDB Page
Well I wanted to see this for a long time. I loved Piranha 3D, while being campy and often stupid it has great action, practical effects an was just plain fun. This did not get released theatrically over here so I had to wait till it came on tv to see it.
The movie opens with a Gary Busy cameo that's pretty pointless, he's just put in there because he is Gary Busy, always looking like he's about to snap and go insane.
So the movie opens with them finding a dead cow in a lake who farts out piranha egg and well that should explain most of the movie. Oh right the cow farts to much and instantly explodes making the eggs hatch? wtf indeed.
So Gary's dead now? Nope, he returns and bites one of these fuckers head off.
The prince of craziness
So what can we learn from this opening? Well that the CGI looks pretty awful again.
After the opening we meet "Chet" (played by the great
David Koechner), who inherited a swimming pool and decided the best plan for the future is replacing the swimguards by strippers. No ordinary strippers mind you but "water certified strippers." Oh yeah I almost forgot the adult pool, cause nudity worked so well the first time around we have to have as much as possible in the sequel right?
So basically Chet is just being the dickhead of this movie, especially towards or main character Maddy (
Danielle Panabaker) but she's being a party pooper anyways. Luckily their is more nudity to forgot the awful dialogs.
"-what are you thinking about?"
"nothing much."
"-Lets take off all our clothes and go swimming."
That has NEVER happen to me in real life, and I have visited pools before.
Their is another stupid scene where young attractive girl A and boy B
are in a truck about to have sex. She handcuffs him and in all the
excitement he unlocks the parking brake with his foot? Of course the truck starts moving and they end up in the lake. Guess what happens she
can't find the key anymore and they both get eaten. It's just too stupid
to work.
Let's not forget that Piranha 3D also had a lot of stupid stuff but it still all seemed to work better then here, maybe the
abundance of practical effects had a lot to do with it.
Some more examples of the great, smart dialog
"-What's wrong?"
"You think Ashley is prettier then me?"
"-No i never got into girls with big breasts."
"Aww"
So like I said the CGI isn't very good, but hey beautiful girls in a swimming pool are always fun.
And yeah they are, and yeah its stupid that a "water resort" is dangerous now instead of just a lake, but its not the first time a movie took this plot (I love jaws 3).
At least Crystopher Loyd is back, still awesome to just see the guy doing what he does best. Explaining mumbo jumbo and playing it straight.
Ok so something I haven't mentioned yet, at one point one of the girls a baby piranha swimming IN her vagina, and a while later while she has sex she dies and the piranha bites the guys dick off. No mater how much you are in panic who would cut off their dick instead of just cutting open the Piranha? It does gives us the greatest line in the movie:
Early on its apparent most of it is going to be CGI, but we have some practical effects as well:
The first one is awful, the second screenshot looks a lot more fun doesn't it?
So it took 40 minutes for this guy to appear, but its what we all have been waiting for...
The Hoff in his first scene in the picture. To bad he is seen singing, what are we? Germans?
Their is lots fun stuff here to, I know I am sounding a little harsh but I never got bored while watching this..
For example the black Deputy from the first movie (
Ving Rhames) is back (in a wheelchair cause fish ate his legs in the first one) and he has gotten a trauma from the events of the first movie. And yes, just like piranha 3D he steals every scene he is in. He's the best actor in the movie. Also he has gotten metal legs, doubling as a shotgun barrel.
Ah but you might be thinking, how did the piranhas get in the pool? Why did you not explain this yet? Does it really matter? No it doesn't but oh well, since you insist. The pool owner (douche mc douche) decided to pump his own water with an illegal well. And it's good because he isn't pumping from the above ground lake, but from a deep underground lake. Do I need to explain more? So now the movie is about half way done and after some people got eaten in the lake the piranhas finally get to the mass killing.
So thats where we are now. Before it wasn't that bad of a watch, just a bid stupid.
But now the movie turns good. To bad we are 60 minutes in. To bad almost all the killing is with CGI effects, partly ruining what could be an awesome scene. At least now Hasselhoff has a fun part being himself being payed to be a lifeguard. He plays it straight and it just works wonderfully.
Time for another idiot quote:
"-whatever happens I want to tell you I loved you since 7 grade."
"I though you where gay?"
Thats a whole separate level of idiotic script. Also right before our damsel in distress gets eaten by a piranha, that fish gets eaten by a slightly bigger piranha. Thats just such a stupid thing to try for creating suspense. It's stupid because we never saw them eating each other before, especially when there is a delicious human around to eat.
But oh boy do they try and recreate the success of the previous one. Mix gracious nudity with gore, suspense and lots of campy acting. However it does not fully work. But at least we still got a movie that tries and gives us that, its a lot better then most of the asylum movies with piranhas that are out there anyways. So if you have nothing to do, just turn of your brain and watch this. Oh and watch the credits, at least those are worth your time.
Also note that this was shot in 3D and there are some moments where I wish I saw it in 3D for the camp that it would bring to the table. It might be a bit more fun watching this in 3D.
I give it a
Score: 6 out of 10 blood-soaked titties.
Its much more stupid then the first one, less action and more trying to be as good.
David Hasselhoff and the T&A partly do make it watchable. But don't say I didn't warn you.
I hope Piranha 3DD gets a higher budget again.
I'm gonna leave you with what you all came here to see, your new wallpaper of David Hasselhof:
